Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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