I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
