I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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