Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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