so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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