Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
