I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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