Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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