I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
