I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
