im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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