so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
