last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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