operation harelip BJ is a go
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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