Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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