im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize