I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
