You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
