yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
