wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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