He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
