She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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