Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
