Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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