I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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