Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
