I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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