Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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