as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
