I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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