He is such a slut. More and more my type.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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