3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
