I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Less talking, more tequila
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
