i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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