when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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