hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
