Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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