Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
