Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
