My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
