All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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