I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
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The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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