Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
