can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
