Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
