Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
