Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
