from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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