we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
