woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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