Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
