bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Your penis caused this!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
