I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
