for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
