We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
