He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
