No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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