My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
