My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
