You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
