i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
