So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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